I'd rather read the funnies
by 4b4ndon3d 4ccoun7
Summary: France gets his own sex advice column in the newspaper! ...uh-oh. Pairs: Prussia/Austria, Russia/Lithuania, US/UK, China/Korea, Spain/Romano, Germany/Italy, Sweden/Finland, France/Canada, onesided Belarus/Russia, and Turkey/Japan with an unknowing Greece.


Whee, a kink meme prompt! Okay, so what the OP anon wanted was France having a sex advice column in the papers, helping everyone out with their problems and whatnot. So the following is a list of who wrote in, and what pairings. I know there are a few severely unloved ones, but I like them, and...maybe I can get some of you into a new pairing..? ^.^'

Couples and who wrote in:

Austria - Austria/Prussia  
Lithuania - Lithuania/Russia  
America - America/England  
England - England/America  
Hungary - Austria/Prussia  
Hungary (again)  
China - China/Korea  
Romano - Romano/Spain  
Italy - Italy/Germany  
Belarus - Belarus/Russia/Lithuania  
Japan - Greece + Japan/Turkey  
Russia - Belarus  
Finland - Finland/Sweden  
Canada - Canada/France

Kink meme does not belong to me. Hetalia does not belong to me. There. Are you happy? Damn lawsuits...

* * *

Dear La'Mour,

I have a bit of a problem. You see, my lover has an interesting quirk in the bedroom setting. That is, he always insists that we partake in intercourse in front of a mirror. The thought itself isn't a turn-off, but his intentions behind using the mirror are far from erotic, at least, for me. He does not set the mirror up where he can see us having sex, but rather so he can see _himself._ He's incredibly vain, and I sometimes wonder if he simply sees me as a trophy, as it took quite a while for the blasted ruffian to finally coax me into bed. What can I do to make him see that it's not all about him?

-Peeved Pianist

Dear Peeved,

This gentleman sounds very much like someone I know, and if that is the case, then it would seem that I have the perfect solution to your problem. Next time, instead of simply accepting his terms, turn the tables on him. Refuse the use of a mirror and, instead, dominate him in bed. Make him know that you're there, that you're in a _relationship,_ and not just a toy for his personal enjoyment. If that doesn't yield the desired results, try something a bit more kinky. Try a bit of bondage, or wait for him in a sexy ensemble. Try to figure out just what it is, besides himself, that makes him want it, and give it to him. (But not without some begging, just to make sure he's really paying attention~ ;D )

-La'Mour

* * *

Dear La'Mour,

My boyfriend keeps insisting that we take things to the next level. I know I'm ready for it, but the thing is, he can be a bit...well..."intimidating" at times. By which I mean, he's into BDSM and, simply put, I don't want that. I want our first time to be comfortable and consensual, and I'm not against giving him a bit of what he wants eventually, but not for our first time! He's not an easy man to reason with, however, and even if I could get him to agree, I'm not sure that would change anything. I've talked with my brothers about this, but they're both disapproving of my relationship, so neither one really helped all that much. (Which was kind of a letdown, because one of them is incredibly intelligent, though I think the other is actually afraid of my boyfriend, the way he shivers every time he's around.) Any advice?

-Bothered Baltic

Dear Bothered,

Are you open for compromise? Because if he is as difficult to reason with as you say, you may have to give up complete comfort your first time. I'm not telling you to throw everything away and submit to his will, but rather, try light BDSM. (Yes, it's possible.) Ask if he'll use a nice soft tie in place of hardcore handcuffs or scratchy rope. See if he'll exchange his discipline utensils for use of his teeth or nails. Perhaps he could even get out a bit of his sadistic pleasures by spanking you in place of whipping. I'm not sure I've ever heard of a situation quite like yours, so this was actually a bit of a challenge. I hope I did an acceptable job, and I wish you the best of luck.

-La'Mour

* * *

Dear La'Mour,

My boyfriend is so strange! I don't know how to handle him sometimes! He'll be all yelling at me for doing something one minute, but then later the same day he won't even be able to look me in the eyes without blushing! It's the same with sex. He'll sometimes act so completely submissive that I can take him easily, with no trouble, but then there are those times that he practically attacks me and drags me to the bedroom! I'm not complaining, I just want to know how to deal with him and his randomness!

-Bespectacled Burger Lover

Dear Bespectacled,

I don't think you have a problem at all. You two seem to have a very healthy relationship, and you should count yourself as lucky. "Variety is the Spice of Life", and all that. Though if I had to give you any advice, it would be to try spicing things up yourself. When he tries to drag you to the bedroom, don't go quietly. Give him a run for his money and make him work for your lovin'. When he's a submissive, try using different toys. (Cock rings are a personal favorite of mine.) Don't let him have all the fun in making things interesting. Have a little fun yourself!

-La'Mour

* * *

Dear wino La'Mour,

Keep away from giving my lover any romantic advice. I know where you live.

-I Hate You

Dear Obvious,

He contacted me. I was simply fulfilling my duties as a sex adviser.

-La'Mour

* * *

Dear La'Mour,

Help! My ex-husband has recently found new love with another man. They've already begun sleeping together, but that's not my problem here. I'm not the kind to get jealous if my ex decides to sleep with another guy. The problem is that I know they won't let me watch! They both know that I'm sort of a fan of male on male, and they close the curtains or make sure that the door is locked before doing anything! How do I convince them to let me be a voyeur?

-Distressed Divorced

Dear Distressed,

If you are who I think you are, then there's a crawlspace under the house on the left side that leads to a loose floorboard in a discreet location away from the bed. It gives a rather nice view. Find it and they'll never know you're there. I recommend looking for it before they actually get into the room, because if you try to get through the wrong floorboard, there's a nasty creaking sound that will immediately alert them to your presence. Remember to take lots of pictures~

-La'Mour

* * *

Dear La'Mour,

It worked like a charm! The floorboard was in an absolutely amazing location, and I sent some pictures to your EMail~ I thought you might like to enjoy the view. I'm not even going to ask how you knew about the floorboards, because I'm finding it increasingly harder to care. Enjoy the pictures, and keep up the good work with the advice!

-Delighted Divorced

Dear Delighted,

Oh my, you did get a rather nice view, didn't you~ These pictures are extraordinary! You have quite a talent for taking photographs it seems! I'm glad my advice was useful to you, and it seems that your ex-husband has also taken my advice! Give him my regards and congratulations.

-La'Mour

* * *

Dear La'Mour,

I have a serious problem. See, there's this guy. We're not in a relationship, but I think...I think that he thinks we are! He's always trying to grope my chest, and the worst part? He's so much younger than me! Not only that, but he's my _youngest brother!_ I do like him, but I'm not sure I like him _that way_, and even when I think I might, he always does something to make me think otherwise, like yelling about how he's the original creator of something that someone else _obviously_ invented! I do wonder sometimes though, if he would calm down at all if I just...allowed him to touch me as he pleased. I sometimes wonder if I _want_ him to touch me like that. I think I'm falling for him, but how do I let him know that without having him immediately try to take me to bed?

-Aggravated, Aru

Dear Aggravated,

Here's my answer, though you may not like it: accept his offers for affection. Tell him that you are willing to let him touch you so long as he does not try to get too intimate before you're ready, and perhaps those touches may spark something more when you are used to them. Nothing is more frustrating in a relationship than someone who recklessly tries to move too fast, and just make sure that he knows this. It sounds like you're on the right track already, waiting to assure yourself that you like him before even getting into a relationship, and as long as you stay true to yourself like that, you'll be comfortable. If you're hesitant because of the fact that he's your younger brother, ask yourself this: Would you have accepted his feelings if he _weren't_ your brother? If the answer is "yes", then there's no reason for you to deny him.

-La'Mour

* * *

Dear bastard La'Mour,

I'll be blunt here. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two months now, but he's so damn clueless! Every time I try to tell him that I'm ready for sex, he just laughs that dumb laugh of his, and then has the nerve to compare my embarrassed face to a tomato! I've tried everything to get him to bed! I've tried hinting at it, I've tried molesting him, I've tried _telling him outright_, but the bastard just won't get it! Is this his way of telling me he's not ready, or is he just that stupid?

-Pissed Potato Hater

Dear Potato Hater,

Give up. I know the person you mean, and you will _never_ convince him of what you want. Maybe one day he'll get horny enough where _he'll_ ask _you_, but in the meantime...maybe a few aphrodisiacs in his food will help?

-La'Mour

* * *

Dear La'Mour,

Hi! How are you? I'm doing well, but...oh, I guess I should tell you about my problem, huh? After all, that's what this thing is for. Okay, well...my boyfriend and I have been dating for a while, and I'm pretty sure that we're ready to go all the way, and by the look in his eyes, he thinks so too, but he's really nervous about the subject. See, he's kind of afraid to take my virginity, which is weird, because I know that he's a virgin himself. I trust him, and I _want_ him to take my innocence away, but he's just so afraid that he'll hurt me somehow... How do I tell him that I don't care if it hurts a little, because I want to show him how much I love him?

-Pleading Pasta

Dear Pleading,

It's all in setting the mood. Try inviting him over one weekend to watch a romantic movie together. Make sure he's comfortable, relaxed, at ease, and during the entire movie, cuddle up to him. When the movie is over, it couldn't hurt to have something of a kissing session before planting the idea in his head, and if he still shows signs of hesitancy, then insist on what you want. Don't try to force him into it, but coax him along, assuring him that you're ready to be deflowered, and that you want i_him/i_ to be the one to do it.

-La'Mour

* * *

Dear La'Mour,

I want to become one with my brother. I need him more than I need air to breathe, but he's only got eyes for this horrible little brunette that hangs around him all the time! This brunette has turned my brother gay, and as such, he will never even consider letting me become one with him! I hate it! I need to become one with him, and I will stop at nothing to do it! Is there any advice that you could give me to help me do that?

-Deadly Desires

Dear Deadly,

I'm, umm...afraid that this question isn't in my department. If he's in love with another, then perhaps you should simply back off and see how things play out? I think I might need to take a vacation for a while...

La'Mour

* * *

Dear La'Mour,

I have a very close friend. We have a lot in common, and we get along quite nicely, often bonding over our mutual love for cats. Unfortunately, I have been dating someone that he dislikes. He hates this man with a passion, and they have been practically killing each other over me for quite some time now. He knows that we've been dating, but he does not yet know that we've...already had intercourse. I don't know if I have the nerve to tell him, but if I don't, then I'm certain that my lover will, just to make him angry. I know that I need to be the one to tell him before my lover has a chance to, but I've been unable to find a way to do so. I sincerely hope that you can help me with this problem.

-Struggling Sakura

Dear Struggling,

There is no rule saying that your friend has to know about your sex life. If you truly think that he would be hurt by knowing this information, then I say don't tell him. (You may need to request that your lover not tell him either. If he loves you, then he wouldn't cause you trouble by going against that wish.) The truth might come out one day, but until then, he doesn't need to know.

-La'Mour

* * *

Dear La'Mour,

My sister is scary! She keeps telling me to marry her, but I'm already in a relationship, and I don't like my sister like that! (Or at all, really.) I mean, I know that I'm going to own the whole world one day anyway, but I don't want her to become one with me like _that!_ I can't keep away from her though, and she follows me everywhere, to the point where it becomes stalking! I just want her to leave me alone, and I want to tell her that I do _not_ want her to become one with me like that!

-Kol, Kol, Kol...

Dear, um...Kol,

I believe the person you're referring to has tried to contact me before. I don't know if I can help you with this matter because, quite frankly, I firmly believe that your sister is insane. I told her to give you some space, but whether or not she took/will take my advice...has yet to be seen. I wish you the best of luck, and if I were you, I'd teach my lover how to use a gun, just in case.

-La'Mour

* * *

Dear La'Mour,

My "husband" wants to have kids. Now that's all great, and I do like kids, but the thing is...I'm not exactly feminine enough to do that. In fact, I'm quite male! We adopted a child a while back, and I would definitely not be opposed to adopting another, but my "husband" actually wants me to _have kids!_ Now, every time we have sex, over the course of the next few weeks, he always asks me if I feel any different! I don't want to hurt his feelings, because he really does want to have more kids, but I just...can't do that! How can I break this to him gently?

-Nervous Nordic

Dear Nervous,

Your husband...does know that you're not female, correct? You might try to explain the whole baby-making process to him, or perhaps make sure that he's in the room when you give your little bundle of joy "the talk". This is a rather unusual problem, I must say, and I'm...not entirely sure how to handle it. I think that you should just tell him honestly one day about your, umm...inability to bear children. This seems like the kind of thing that would be best said outright, but don't be harsh. Perhaps suggest to him, before breaking the news, about how you wouldn't mind adopting. This might give him something to keep his spirits up. Maybe this is all just a misunderstanding on your part and he simply wants another child himself, uncaring whether or not you bring it into the world. Either way, breaking the news to him gently would not be an easy task in this matter, so perhaps you should focus more on assuring him that more children is not an absolute impossibility. I wish you luck in your talk, and I apologize for being unable to help you any more than this.

-La'Mour

* * *

Dear La'Mour,

I'm lonely. My boyfriend has been spending all his time with other people lately. I don't mind this normally, but it's almost as if he's completely forgotten about me! I should be used to that by now, since no one ever really seems to remember me, (I kind of blend in.) but it hurts more when he's not around. I can kind of understand why he hasn't been, because he's actually been helping other people with _their_ relationships, but I really am getting lonely... He hasn't suggested sex in a few weeks, which is really unusual for him, and I'm starting to miss his touch. I'm not asking him to stop helping other people with their problems, he's doing a good thing with that, but maybe he shouldn't neglect his own relationship to do it?

-Melancholy Maple

Dear Maple,

...I'll be over in an hour.

-La'Mour~

* * *

So there's supposed to be a heart after France's little ~ at the end, but...I've tried quite a few different things to get it to show up, so I guess I just can't make it do that on this site... Ah well.

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...I love reviews. ;w;


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